By now
you hope you learned
from past mistakes
you read self help
ponder Lao Tzu
watch the willows bend
and not break
and think that
by now
you should see mistakes
sidestep the mess
with a skip in your step
whistle past distractions
and noise and regrets
that hold you
By now…
My heart keeps drumming
along with the daily must do’s
Eat.
Stop.
Sleep.
Stop.
Work.
Stop.
Shower.
Stop.
Breathe.
When even combing my hair is a task
and looking in the mirror cuts like glass
and tears fall warm on my pillow shell
It beats.
Reminding me
that life goes on
Or rather
it’s just not time to die.
Drinking Red Bull and Jäger
in a barroom where
broken promises and hearts mingle
with slurred words; distortions
and the beat of glass striking tabletops
instead of tears
an “upper downer” so to speak
that in its own strange way
helps me to take it all in
acceptance that tomorrow
is just another of the very same
day
She scrawls out heartbreak
in black ink
across white space
a solitary blood-letting
rivulets mark the page
in messy loops and turns
until a clot forms
to bottle up her nerves
and she can breathe
one deep sigh
confirms catharsis…
for now
she is ok.
I’m trying to tap into some issues I’ve kind of pushed aside because I’ve come to a point where I need to purge. Sadness has been a big one for me. Even when the sun shines, in my world, the sky is overcast. There are people I miss, experiences I haven’t had the opportunity to fully appreciate or feel. I have a sense that I need to allow myself to mourn, and in the process come to accept that my life may not be what I dreamed or desired, but through it all, I am here. I am alive and I know what it means to feel deeply. I know what it means to love fiercely, even when the odds stacked against me crashed down with such force that everything I had was torn away. Life. It’s a ride and I’m trying to get to that place where even when I’m tossed around like a bag in the wind, I am grateful. It begins, for me, with letting go and being comfortable being alone.
Untitled
This isn’t where I imagined I’d be at 7
Barbie and her white dress with its lace and frills
Promised me a future of happy ever after…not this.
The one I dreamed when the boy with the brown eyes and crooked smile
Easy laugh and nervous, almost careful conversation
Took my heart and every beat after
He said I was beautiful
His
Love
No word before or since has ever warmed my bones so deeply and completely
A vow, forever
Even with you gone, I feel it
Truth is, there was always something greater than us
Neither of us could handle the weight together
Years later I’m still getting used it
The quiet left in the aftermath of a storm
Picking up the pieces left behind
Alone
Sometimes the sky does fall
Crashing down
A million tiny pieces
And there is no way to fix the looking glass to hide the flaws
So the rain pours
And your chest hurts from the weight your heart has carried
And your fingertips bleed from the many times you tried to sweep away the pain of your brokenness
And your knees
Oh God
Your knees are raw from all the times you prayed to see the sun shine through the shattered bits of sky
The bits of sky you still see when you look up
The bits that remind you of the beginning
When it was all brand new
The bits that bend the sunlight as the rays pass through
And like a prism, scatter the beams
Leaving rainbows in unexpected places
A laugh overheard as you make your way down the aisle of a familiar store
The wag of a shaggy dog’s tail as he runs to greet you at the door
Hope that someday,
Someday maybe
You’ll feel brand new again.
Golifely 