She

You tell her
she is worthy
and just because her dad left
and never calls to say hello
it doesn’t mean she is unloveable
And you dry her tears
and you say over and over
it’s all going to be okay
because you will be there
to pick up the pieces he left behind
Her tears, though dry
leave stains that no words can wash away
So you pray
and you love your little lonely child
hug away her doubts
seize every giggle in tightly clasped hands
and watch the sun rise in her beauty
And you realize
she is you

After hearing Jane Fonda

I recently listened to a podcast that had me wondering why it takes so long for us to accept who we ARE and in that acceptance LOVE ourselves and be comfortable in our own skin. It’s elusive, this “be who you are because you are the only you” that is sold to us in so many self-esteem promoting “messages”. The “love you” messages are lost, mainly I think, because we are told so often that who we are isn’t “right” or enough. Bombarded with messages of inadequacy actually. Just turn on the television or open up an magazine and you’re there. So you spend your childhood feeling insecure and your teen years feeling ridiculous and your 20s feeling like you still can’t compare and so it goes into your 30s, 40s…and on and on if you don’t come to grips with who you are. The words of Jane Fonda in this podcast resonated as I listened. I am 41 and only now feeling like I can be who I am, Lisa, with no fear. She says in the podcast that she didn’t feel that way, like she could just be Jane, until she was in her 60s. I can’t imagine. I thought 40s was late! I always admire people who seem to get to this point earlier on in life. I’m so grateful that I’m here. I made it to the point where I can look in the mirror and embrace every aspect of me. And oh I am so looking forward to growing more fully and completely into this feeling of freedom. Because it is extremely freeing to just be me. As I contemplated the podcast earlier today, this came to mind so I wrote it down to share with whoever might stumble upon this blog post:

Being yourself means accepting the ugliest parts of you with the knowledge that they can become the most beautiful through your own WILLINGNESS to metamorphose – to, just like the caterpillar, do the WORK necessary to transform – no longer to crawl, but to fly.

What a feeling it is, to fly!

You can listen to the podcast here: http://www.wnyc.org/story/death-and-divorce-gave-jane-fonda-strength/

Listening to road sounds can really make you think

He was the sunshine to my night when we first met
the one I loved the most, my John
became my Judas.
Betrayed. 

Sometimes it’s like this with people. An odd contrast. I was thinking about it pretty deeply the other day on my way home from work. Since I have no radio, (as I explained in an earlier post, it was stolen) I am forced to listen to road sounds, which lull me into deep thought. I was thinking about how I have been betrayed in the past, and how those betrayals play into my inability to fully trust people. We all have our John’s and our Judas’…what lessons do they teach us? How does our time with them change our lives…our perspectives…our ability to be open and to trust others? 

As I was forming the words to this poem in my head and thinking thought after thought about the role certain people have played in my life, I began to reflect on the times I have been John, and the times I have been Judas. I realized it’s not a “them” problem. It’s a “me” problem. How can I be better…how can I love, despite my fear that I could be let down? The truth is that wholeheartedly loving another person can not happen when FEAR exists (and here, I am not JUST talking about romantic love, I am talking about LOVE period), because fear holds you back. It prevents you from giving 100 percent of your heart. I can love more if I let go of the fear of being hurt. I can love more if I let go of the fear of loss…I can love more if I forgive myself for the times that I have been Judas to another…I can love more if I forgive those who were Judas to me. Not an easy thing to do…but I have to because I realize that to be fully alive, I have to LOVE without fear. Even if it means loving Judas.